The Man Who Was Too Lazy to Fail

Some years ago, my friend, after having learned how much I try to avoid work but still manage to make some decent money, told me about Robert Heinlein’s snippet story, The Man Who Was Too Lazy to Fail (it’s in the book Time Enough for Love). I’ve started reading the story but haven’t finished it yet. I keep falling asleep. But from what I’ve read so far, the guy in the story still worked a hell of a lot harder than I did/have/do. The following are some examples. Some are true and some aren’t. If they make you like me better, they’re all true. If you’re one of my clients, they’re all lies, and I was never here.

School

Right around seventh grade, I learned that 80% of the week was unnecessary, that one could learn and do most of the stuff just reading the books and doing the homework. For the most part, teachers were there to make things a bit more entertaining or to light a fire under everyone’s asses, but since I was a true geek and my ass was already on fire, I didn’t need the encouragement. So when I got sick on a Monday, my instincts would kick in and make me sick for the rest of the week, except for Friday. Friday is usually when they took tests, and those counted more than anything, so I never missed Fridays. During the week, one of my friends would bring my homework, and in exchange I would draw them a picture of Superman or a World War II fighter plane, or bribe them with my mom’s cooking. (God bless my friends who brought me homework. Last I checked they were all doing well, having children and making more money than me, so that’s okay.) I would do the homework and bring it in on Friday, take the test and ace it. Except for one class, I got straight A’s in middle and high school, with the lowest attendance record imaginable. When I watched Ferris Bueller for the first time, I thought it was a documentary.

I’ve since learned that it’s the same with work. Most of the work can get done by 2pm, including a 1.5 hour lunch break. So I decided to work at home, saving my potential clients thousands of dollars by billing them hourly, instead of salaried time that I would have spent inventing new ways of not working. By definition, I am good for the economy.

Books

Most of the books I own have a bookmark at about page 30, because that’s usually when I stop reading them. Page 30 is where most people will stop reading most books, but will pretend to know what the whole book is about. The rest of the book is discussed usually on Google or Amazon.com. anyway, so why bother? Instead of reading ten 300-page books (3000 pages), I’ll read one hundred books up to page 30 (3000 pages). That immediately makes me ten times smarter.

More later, I’m falling asleep…