Quiet is the Sign of a Convinced Existence

Two things happened today: I went to Knott’s Berry Farm and met up with my four-year old Godson’s family to celebrate his birthday, and I saw the movie “Two for the Money” on cable TV.

At Knott’s, because we were with children, the adults couldn’t go on the fast rides. It was a relatively quiet afternoon spent walking and talking, and making sure the kids stayed away from trouble while still having their fun. We didn’t wait in long lines to go on rides that would have abused our sense of gravity and upset our stomachs. Many people would probably consider what we did boring.

Later that day, I watched Al Pacino’s monologue from the “Two for the Money” movie, and this line perked up my ears:

“Gambling’s not your problem. It’s this fucked up need to feel something. To convince yourself you exist. That’s the problem.”

The whole passage is here: http://imdb.com/title/tt0417217/quotes

I will preempt the rest of this entry with admitting to being a wimp, for those who would like to call me one for what they’re about to read. Now that I’ve said it, let’s move on.

I’m not particularly attracted to roller coasters. I’m not particularly attracted to fast cars, including manual shifters (too much work). I’m not attracted to danger, or for that matter, any kind of random conflict like screaming matches, drama, or even stress-inducing deadlines. I like things to go smoothly.

And when things go smoothly, I don’t get bored. In fact, I go out of my way to make things continue to go smoothly. The way I see it, enough unsmooth things happen during any given day that I don’t need to contribute to it by going out of my way to find more.

I look forward to naps. Naps are good. They bring peace to my life. Peace is good. I don’t get angry much anymore. Not getting angry is good.

So what the hell do I get excited about? What do I do that makes me feel like I exist?

Knowledge gets me excited. My favorite channel is the Science Channel and all those other learning channels. They focus on bringing useful information without scaring the shit out of me. I get enough fear from the news.

Another thing that makes me feel like I exist is creating something, like writing this blog, or playing music without lyrics, because a lot of songs have lyrics that are filled with drama, and I don’t need that.

I love being able to turn stressful situations into non-stressful situations, by adjusting the moment and my perception accordingly.

I am addicted to moments when I am tempted to be addicted to something, and I walk away.

I’m pretty sure that all of this is just luck. Maybe I’m just lucky to have enough hobbies and interests that I don’t have idle time that might get me in trouble. Maybe I’m already convinced about my existence. Maybe I don’t need to convince myself any more. Maybe it’s time for a nap.