Jesus Questions

I don’t go to church every Sunday like I used to, but I think about Jesus all the time.

He was a carpenter but quit his job to walk around and get philosophically spiritual with everybody, right? I don’t think he made a lot of money, owned a big house or a lot of cattle. I’m not sure, but I think he wasn’t too much into money. I wonder if people called him a slacker for not holding down a steady job.

There are some new books that say he got married and had children, but most other books say that he never got married. I wonder if he got in trouble with his relatives for not being married. I wonder if they talked behind his back during family reunions. I wonder if one of his relatives said, “Yeah, sure, he can turn water into wine, but why doesn’t he settle down and get married already?”

Speaking of which, since he had really cool powers, I wonder if Jesus ever showed off to anybody, or bragged about it. Did Jesus think he was better than anyone else? He must have, since he knew that he can outdo anyone. He can even bring people back from the dead. If he ever got into an argument with his disciples, did he ever remind them that, “Yo, I brought Lazarus back, what did you do?”

Speaking of which, after seeing Jesus raise Lazarus, some punk must have challenged him to put his freak on the ladies. Like use that power to get some “action”, if you know what I mean. If he can do that to the dead, imagine what he could do to the living.

I’ve never read anywhere that Jesus asked the locals to build him a church. I think he liked the outdoors, even on hot days when it would have been nice to have air conditioning.

When Jesus was just getting started with his mission, and before he built a large following, I wonder what people thought about him. Did they think he was nuts for rocking the Roman Empire boat? Did they tell him that he would be better off just following the rules, getting a steady job, starting a family, paying his taxes like a good Roman citizen, and retiring at a nice old age?

I don’t go to church every Sunday like I used to. When I used to go to church, I would dress up in my most expensive clothes, wearing my nice jewelry and expensive hair products. I would drive up in my shiny car, walk into church in my shiny shoes, and for an hour, stare up at this humble guy on the cross, with not a penny to his name, looking down at me, trying to tell me something.

I don’t go to church every Sunday like I used to, but I think I’m starting to listen.