Distinguished Indistinguishables

My friend asked me to write something political to accompany his illustration. This is the result.

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If you are new to the political process and would like to know some distinguishing features of Republicans and Democrats, here’s a primer.

First of all, Republicans are strong and Democrats are weak. This is signified by the respective parties’ mascots, the elephant for Republicans and the donkey for Democrats. The elephant can go through anything. The donkey has to ask for permission first.

Republicans are able to make up their minds quickly and Democrats often take a long time to make a decision. After making their decisions, Republicans often stick to their beliefs no matter what. Democrats have trouble sticking to their beliefs, especially when better judgment tells them not to.

Democrats drive smaller cars, because they don’t know how to barbecue or do carpentry, and because they don’t have as many children as Republicans, so they (Democrats) don’t really need the room. Democrats also don’t drive very fast, so they don’t need a big engine with a lot of power.

Why don’t Democrats have as many children? Because there aren’t any gay Republicans, and gay people can’t have babies. Democrats also don’t have a lot of money, so they can’t really afford to have that many children. It’s the same reason that Democrats don’t drive big, expensive cars, because they can’t afford them.

Republicans go to church and believe in God. Democrats don’t. If Democrats believed in God, they wouldn’t waste their time wondering if God does or doesn’t exist, or if any of the other religions actually have a point. Democrats waste a lot of time wondering about stuff. This is why Democrats don’t have as much money as Republicans, because Democrats spend too much time wondering and not enough time working.

Democrats aren’t very organized. If you notice the way they are dressed and how they look, they’re all over the place. No two Democrats dress alike, which makes it hard for them to find each other in a crowd and organize a function. They’re also smellier and dirtier than Republicans, because Democrats spend a lot of time hugging trees and animals, and eating foreign food. Democrats don’t wear suits, because they can’t afford it and they can’t hold a job. If you can’t hold a job, you don’t need a suit.

Republicans, just like the elephant, have stronger eardrums than Democrats, which is why you’ll see more Republicans at loud places, like NASCAR, football games, mega malls and construction sites. Republicans also have stronger stomachs than Democrats, which is why Republicans aren’t afraid to eat anything. Because they have jobs and can afford it, Republicans like to eat steak and six-dollar hamburgers. Democrats, on the other hand, are more feeble, and eat vegetables more, because they can grow those in their backyard and don’t have to pay for them. Democrats like to grow more stuff, and Republicans like to buy more stuff.

To summarize: Republicans are strong and Democrats are weak. Republicans are organized and Democrats are scattered. Republicans are resolute and Democrats are wishy-washy. It’s easy to spot a Republican because they are proud of who they are and aren’t afraid to show it off to everyone. So if you find yourself talking to someone and can’t tell whether they’re a Republican or a Democrat, chances are they’re a Democrat. Or an Independent. Or a Green Party person. Or a Muslim. Or a Buddhist. Or a Sikh. Or a foreign person who can’t decide what the hell they are, because they don’t even speak english. People who aren’t Republican are often confused about who they are, so they tend to jump from one party affiliation to another.

If you try hard enough, you can separate a Republican from a Democrat. If you try hard enough, you can separate anything.