Metaphysical Days of Our Lives

At a mansion, in the middle of a cocktail party during Happy Hour.

Town Crier: Oh my God everyone–Luke shot Laura!

Ashton: How did it happen, Town Crier?

Town Crier: Luke saw Laura driving a white Toyota. Since Luke knew that Laura’s favorite car was a metallic azure sky Mercedes convertible, Luke assumed that Laura was cheating on him. He followed her to Fashion Island and shot her in the parking garage.

Bellamy: I can’t believe Luke was so impulsive like that! Didn’t he think it through before committing such a crime?

T.G.: I don’t think he was thinking at all. I saw him earlier today, and he wasn’t having such a good day. His office Starbucks was closed and he was late for a meeting that was going to discuss a project that he hadn’t finished, with a boss that he didn’t like very much. He told me that he didn’t get enough sleep because his building’s central air conditioning unit broke during the night. And he ran out of cigarettes.

Bellamy: Who is this guy?

Ashton: That’s T.G. He’s from abroad.

Bellamy: Oh. Okay. What else, T.G.?

T.G.: Luke had also heard that Laura has stopped worrying about losing weight.

Everyone (mumbling and nodding): She’s in a comfortable relationship…

T.G.: And since Luke’s self-esteem is low to begin with, it didn’t take much to make him think there was another guy. There was also a lot of traffic on the 405 this morning.

Bellamy: But I thought they loved each other?

T.G.: She has recently reassessed her thoughts on love, as well as other things. Laura changed doctors last month, and her new doctor prescribed her new medicine. The old medicine, she realized, was making her irritable and prone to fits of delusion. The old medicine also caused her to gain weight, which she counteracted by taking another set of pills that helped her lose weight. But that combination made her unbalanced. The new medicine cleared her up a bit, and she stopped gaining weight. She then stopped taking the weight loss pills, which brought her weight back up a little. But she was okay with that. She has since started reconciling with her past girlfriends, most of whom have also gained weight since having children.

Town Crier: Oh my God, she’s gaining weight? How tragic!

T.G.: As for Luke, he also changed his medicine recently. His old medicine gave him more stamina to work harder and get to where he is on the corporate ladder. But after his old doctor died, his new doctor reassessed his health and prescribed him new medicine. The new medicine lowered his blood pressure but it also affected his energy level. Luke isn’t the dynamo that he used to be, and isn’t really the same man that he used to be, but he hasn’t accepted that yet, nor has he adapted to it. He’s forcing his life to return to how it used to be.

Town Crier: I wouldn’t blame him for wanting to go back. That new medicine sucks for both of them! I know if I had to change my medicine and also gain weight, I would kill myself!

Ashton: Okay, back to the shooting. How did it happen, Town Crier?

Town Crier: Well, I heard that Luke fired the first shot near Laura’s feet, because he saw that she was wearing Payless Shoes, instead of her usual Ferragamos. The shot ricocheted off the ground and put a hole through her Fashion Island bag. She then screamed at him, “What’s wrong with you, I was going to return these!” I think that made him even angrier, because he saw a Cartier box fall out of the bag, which had a necklace that he gave her to celebrate their paying off one of their credit cards. Then he fired a second shot, which hit her in the arm. He also fired a third shot, but that strayed to the right and chipped a parked BMW 6-Series. After seeing the 6-Series hit, he put the gun down, and the Fashion Island police came and took him away. Oh my God, can you imagine hitting a 6-Series?

Ashton: How are they doing now?

T.G.: Laura called me from the hospital. The bullet only grazed her, so she’s fine. She said she understands Luke’s actions, and she’s not going to press charges. Laura said she will probably move away from here.

Ashton: In Luke’s condition, don’t you think he’ll follow her?

T.G.: I asked Laura the same thing. She doesn’t think Luke will leave the area. She doesn’t think Luke is able to leave the area.

Ashton: Why?

T.G.: She said, “So far, Luke hasn’t been able to change his life, and no matter what kind of new medicine he takes, he keeps going back to his old ways. As long as I move to a new, better place for me, he won’t follow. Because he won’t understand that new place.”