Cool "Things", Cool Camouflage

Cool “Things”

I don’t know what a lot of current “things” are called. I notice that cool people talk about “things” during conversations, and the way they talk about these “things” sounds cool. Since I don’t make a ton of money, I don’t really buy as many “things” anymore, and since I don’t want to tempt myself about “things”, I don’t pay attention to cool, hip advertising about “things”. Owning cool “things” also means that you have to know “thing” terminology, so you can communicate with people who own similar “things”. Since many cool conversations are about “things”, I basically have little to talk about with cool people.

Here are some words/terms that are too cool for me to use in normal conversation. Sometimes I slip and use them, because I’m trying to be cool, but I’m really not.

metrosexual

___ Bay (South Bay, East Bay, etc.)

certifiable

henna

medication, medicated, medicate

urban

hottie

out, outed

wine tasting

denial

jumpsuit

slack, slacker, slacking

bizarre

sous chef

stalker, stalking

rephrase

that is so ______ on so many levels

Dasani

buzz, buzzed

texting

bitch-slap

The E Channel

journal

karmic

..

What I Do That Makes People Think I May Be Cool

I like a lot of Beck’s songs. I don’t know why. Maybe because I don’t know why, I like Beck. I listen to Beck probably like a dog would watch me wash my car–with a certain curiosity about impermanence and futility, with my head slightly tilted to one side.

I keep my shirts untucked. Not because Carson Daly does it, but it’s because my belly has gotten too big for me to tuck my shirt into my pants. Except when I have to go to a business meeting. Then I wear my stretchy pleated pants, and then I use a belt.

I’m a designer. Most designers I’ve met are cool, I think, which is why I don’t really hang out with designers. Why did I become a designer? At the beginning, I was supposed to be an engineer (it’s a Filipino thing, don’t ask). But during Year Two in college, I took a good long look at the engineering curriculum and decided, no. As I was walking away from the Engineering building, I passed by the Design building, and noticed that they also offered a bachelor of science degree, same as an engineer. I figured I could switch majors, get a diploma with a “b.s.” on it and my parents wouldn’t notice the difference. But the original reason I became a designer was to avoid thinking real hard. So I’m lazy as well as uncool.

I like to write poetry and songs. But I’ve noticed that a lot of writers, especially the good ones, are too cool to sacrifice their writing integrity in order to make more money, or any money for that matter. Being a comfy man, I like my central air conditioning and pillow-top mattress, which means I have to make enough money for this sort of lifestyle, which means I will not hesitate to change my writing if it will pay my mortgage this month. In the writing world, they call that a sellout. And I think it automatically disqualifies me for any cool points.

I own an iPod. But it’s filled with Billy Joel songs and interviews with computer geeks like Steve Wozniak and Jeff Bezos.

I wear body cream and smoothing oil from stores like The Body Shop and Bath and Body Works. This is because I stink more than normal people, and normal cologne doesn’t work on me.

I own a pair of black Converse skate shoes. They sit in my closet. My feet like arch support.

I watch art films. Not because I particularly like watching art films, but just so I can try and understand how cool people act in movies.

When I go to Starbucks, I order “venti mocha soy decaf, no whip.” It sounds like I’ve tried a lot of coffees. I haven’t. Venti because it’s only fifty cents more. Mocha because I’m too lazy to figure out how much sugar to put, and mocha is automatically sweet. Soy because I’m lactose intolerant. Decaf because I like sleep. And no whip because that would defeat the purpose of asking for soy. It has less to do with taste, and more with survival.