Letting the Wookiee Win

I’ve been running into a lot of heated arguments lately, and realized that I’m happier getting to the truth than winning the arguments. Here are some things I’ve been trying:

Just as the argument begins, I let my opponent know that I’m a shortsighted, close-minded filthy human being and that all my opinions stem from my limited, fearful way of living, guided by a dysfunctional society and generations of conditioning. I basically obliterate any lofty ideals I have of myself, so that my opponent knows that I’m here to discuss the issue, not to bolster my ego. In addition, all of my family and friends are also shortsighted, close-minded filthy human beings, and that no amount of verbal degradation will further lower their worth during the discussion.

I warn my opponent that I will, as I have in the past, use passive-aggressive techniques to interject sneak attacks when I become desperate. I warn my opponent that I will let him know if I catch myself doing so intentionally.

I let my opponent know that I think he knows more than I do. I let him know that it’s okay that he speak as if he knows more about me than I know about myself, and in the same breath that I know nothing about him, so that I will have no choice but to stick with the topic being argued instead of assuming what I think he knows.

I let my opponent know that I am not sure about anything, and will gladly concede any points that he claims at that moment. Because I am not sure about anything, I will be forced to do exhaustive research through books, periodicals, and the media. Because none of the information I will find will be my own, I will not take credit for anything, but will simply present the facts when we resume the argument.

I let my opponent know that I have absolutely no worldly experience whatsoever, so that none of my arguments will come from my personal experience, which is only one of six billion other experiences in this world.

I use the simplest words to talk.

I let my opponent know that I will not become angry during the argument, because I don’t know enough to become angry about anything.

Because my memory is terrible, I will write down any information that I might forget, and will readily concede to my opponent any information that he thought I might have said but I do not remember. Because I know nothing and have no preconceived notions, I will ask my opponent for permission to grant me, the dullard, to change my opinion when I have verified facts that support that opinion. Because I know nothing and keep nothing, I am forced to change my mind whenever a better truth is uncovered.

Because I concede that I know nothing, I can never win an argument. Because I can never win any argument, I will have one less thing to worry about—the fact that I have to win an argument.